you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
