I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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