she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
