I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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