im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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