i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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