Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
