So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
