hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
