His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
