Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
