No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
