I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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