I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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