I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
