You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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