Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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