i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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