U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
