Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
