I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize