JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
