Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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