So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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