he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
