I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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