I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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