T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
