The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
