I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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