The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
