Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
