hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
