I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
