We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I AM VODKA MAN
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
