The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
she told me i tasted like america
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
