just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
