i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
