You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
