hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
