I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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