Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
