I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize