just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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