I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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