I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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