i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
