my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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