she looked like the before picture.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
