you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
