i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize