Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
