Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
