I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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