I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
