On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize