No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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