first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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