So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
