that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize